I've just finished a a very important piece of 'talking therapy' (if you have gone through counselling, psychotherapy etc. you'll know what I mean.) I don't even know exactly when but at some point during my bi-monthly counselling sessions I went from working on improving myself as a person (to meet some dreamed of spiritual standard that always seemed beyond my reach) to accepting myself as I am, warts and all.
I remember the session with my counsellor when I decided that I am a 'good enough' person. And she said, 'Well done!' It felt like finishing a marathon. The relief. We discussed it and I had to accept that I had done enough for me to consider that I am a 'good enough' person. Not perfect, but acceptable, at least to me. (That counsellor changed my life just by witnessing and validating me. So grateful!)
I can't quite practice non-self, which is a Buddhist practice of discovering that there is no permanent self, the identity or ego. (The practice of non-self helps you come to understand that your identity has developed and changed as you have aged and is not permanent.) Buddhists feel that the task of building an ego or identity is an illusion or a game the mind plays. Buddhism rather focuses on developing the inner qualities or 10 Perfections. (It is also my experience that if you are having problems with feeling very unbalanced or very vulnerable, that as a daily practice focusing on building the 10 Perfections is a wonderful way of giving the mind an attainable and positive daily goal.)
As I turn that corner from building this inner person, to crafting what has been already been built. (I just turned 48, so that may have something to do with it). It's like going from the being the builder to the decorator. Now the decorator has found some pretty shoddy work in some areas of the building, and some areas of the building are beautiful. Some shit has definitely gone down, which I regret my part in. And I don't necessarily like what I see but I am trying to practice self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness as the answer. And here's why...
I use to trade my energy for trying to make the world a better place, through being a massage therapist, a volunteer, yoga teacher, then counsellor and community services manager, but there were always days when I had no energy. When anxiety and depression, or a PTSD trigger had me under the covers. And I'd hide my symptoms behind sleep or meds, or both. But even in my really low periods I learned you can practice more self-love and self-compassion, especially when there is none left. But how do you practice self-love?
This lockdown period has been incredible for meditation, losing yourself to the present moment, daydreaming, and generally allowing the mind to wander. Allowing the mind to relax the goal oriented part of the brain is incredibly beneficial for increasing the Alpha brain waves which help us to be alert yet relaxed. One way that I have been using is Yoga Nidra which means 'yogic sleep' as a way to practice self-compassion and self-love. My favourite is Swami Niranjanananda. Get really comfortable somewhere and play this one. Thank me later...
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