When I was 16 I was fascinated with yogis who could hold their breath for minutes at a time, slow their heart rate until it seemed they were no longer alive, and stopped eating food for months. Some yogis it seemed could fly or translocate, emit healing energy from their bodies, and perform amazing physical feats. I started teaching myself a little yoga from books and joined a spiritual practice of giving divine light to people, places and things. I use to give light everywhere I went wanting to help the world become a better place.
I started yoga with a teacher at 21 by then I had anxiety since I was 14. I had a bad alcohol and drug problem and was severely underweight at only 43kgs. My doctor put me on a re-feeding program at home and I attended a day program for people struggling with food disorders. I had a broken and dislocated my left hip which gave daily pain, as did severe whiplash from a car accident with daily headaches. I started Ashtanga Yoga in Bondi Junction in 1992. I started in pain at the back of the class, probably hung over or still high.
What I noticed firstly was that I was always welcome, no one turned me away no matter what condition I turned up in. My teacher was watchful, mindful and present. She saw me struggle and she let me struggle in the warmth and embrace of her studio. I will never forget the grace and acceptance I found there. I practiced yoga and began to gain a quality of kindness towards myself, but my living habits were harder to change.
I travelled and studied with some famous teachers in LA, Canada, New York and London Pema Chodron, Gurmukh Khalsa, Shiva Rea, Dharma Mittra to name a few. But the teachers who really touched my heart weren't the one's who were famous, or had classes of 200 or more. They were the humble teachers, the teachers who knew their students intimately, the teachers who lived a yogis life to the best of their ability, the teachers who had self-love.
There was a teacher Keshava Das, in Alphabet City New York, who ran his free classes in a Shiva temple which was the highest form of divine love and self-acceptance. Between the tall, iconic statues of Hanuman and Shiva there was barely room for 10 students. He had overcome being shot in the back while serving in the Israeli army, he had the yoga of the heart and was an incredible teacher.
At 28 while living in Canada and going through a painful divorce I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, and my disordered eating was out of control. I was self-harming and needed to get clean and sober. I had treatment and went to rehab, got clean and started living a better quality of life. But these changes were very difficult to maintain. I went to AA every day for years, which was incredible, but by itself AA wasn't enough to stem the self-loathing. And this is where yoga again saved my life.
At 32 I decided to become a Yoga teacher, and took teacher training in 2006 and 2011 to become a level 2 yoga teacher. I often question what it is that I have to give through teaching yoga, and it seemed important to to crystallise what it is I have received. Yoga essentially is self-love to me. Getting on the mat is an act of self-love, practicing yoga day after day is self-love, using yoga to accept myself in this present moment is self-love. Without self-love managing my mental health and trying to live a better quality of life is not really possible for me. I can forget myself, leave myself aside. I neglect myself when I am really mentally unwell and even want to hurt myself. Mental illness and self-love can't really coexist. I practice yoga as self-love to keep the mental demons at bay.
I am now 46, having practiced yoga for the past 25yrs I am not the same practitioner, I'm not the same person (thankfully). My yoga practice has changed to be less about physical control and more about self love. Yoga and meditation has taught me to move with change, to resist less, to over-think less and to live in the moment more. I could not count how many times yoga has saved my life (at least 3) just through being connected to something loving, or saved me from mental un-wellness (1000's of times). Or helped me to understand others, and shown me a life of compassion and kindness is the way to live.
The process of using yoga to develop self-knowledge is a very powerful journey that helps to regain inner balance and fulfillment in living. This real and tangible self-knowledge that develops through yoga has helped me to become more aware of the essential parts of myself which are not affected by mental health issues, even though I have a diagnosis. To me this is the essence of empowerment.
Yoga can help you manage day to day symptoms, whether its panic attacks, insomnia, lethargy, depression, mood swings or running thoughts. Yoga can be broken down into manageable parts and sequenced for specific mental health outcomes. Yoga can be altered for ability with the use of yoga props, and offered at different levels of instruction. Yoga is an incredible gift, a friend on dark days and helpful tool which is so practical and beneficial to use.
So on this International Yoga Day I give thanks to all the teachers, sages, saints, and every day yogis who are showing the light of self- love through yoga to everyone who cares to look. These bright lights who work so hard and diligently to give something pure to the world will forever be my hero's who saved me more times than I can count. Namaste'...
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