Oh no, the wheels have fallen off! Heartbreak has come to town. There is a relationship breakdown happening in my family. This is a tough post to write! (Warning Infidelity) My beautiful husband of 14yrs just told me he's been cheating. Quite a bit, over the years. I had no frickin' clue!
At first I thought if he can lie for that long that must feel heavy. So I asked him, 'that must be heavy?' and he nodded and seemed so relieved that I understood. I said, 'I'm not angry', and he thanked me. He calmed right down. (Don't worry I got angry later)
We talked for awhile, I said something like, 'Let's live as monk and nun, and we wont divorce and we'll just live here'. (I think this was just bargaining in the grief cycle) He agreed that would be good. But after sleeping on it, it's not okay to live with someone who can lie to your face for years and years. Is it? It seems so clear when you say it out loud.
As a spiritual woman I am relying by the depth of compassion and forgiveness I have been working to deepen in my life. And here I need to rely on the depth of my practice to support me. Self-love or Maitri has become absolutely vital. Can I return back to balance and feel my centre? Do I have compassion and forgiveness in my heart? How relevant is it to forgive someone who has hurt you in terms of your own spiritual practice or your own mental health? We already know the answer, its vital! So in those moments of forgiveness there is real relief from the suffering
I have experienced psychosis before, so I am quite frightened of going to a dark place (suicidal ideation) because of the shock, and it can take me a few days to react to something if its big. But I think it is coming on now, I'm just managing it by releasing through flowing yoga movements and mindfulness meditation. Im finding Baddha Konasana, Upavista Konasana, Supported Dwi pada (backbending) has all been wonderful!
I've tried to practice pranayama but my diaphragm is sometimes locked which makes practice impossible. Then I start chanting as the way to start the day, chanting a mantra will help to regulate breathing and loosen the diaphragm by redirecting the mind away from holding onto tension as a way of feeling safe or feeling centred. Within only a few minutes of chanting a safe environment can be created around you. Om shanti Om, is one I have been using for its simplicity, and gentleness.
Whenever I begin to think, 'why me?' I think my teacher would say something like, Life is 'impersonal changing phenomena'. Does that sound cold? But you have to meditate for about 10 - 15yrs to get the 'impersonal' part. (At least I did) The changing or impermanent nature of the universe is pretty easy to see and to stabilise in the mind. Knowing that everything is changing is easier than knowing that everything is impersonal. The personal is the part that fuels the reaction to experiences in the ego. In my experience when the ego is smaller life is more impersonal, when the ego is larger life is more personal. It's funny how that works. The more you meditate the more the concentration is focussed on the present moment (Egolessness) and less on our reactions to the present moment (Ego) the better off we are in terms of lowering our emotional reactions to life challenges. (Don't get me wrong, I reacted, I cried, I was retching and vomiting and all the rest, couldn't keep food down, could only sit in front of the fan and cry).
Today is Day 5 post breakup. I keep sitting and trying to bring my mind to the touch of the breath at the opening of the nostrils. I keep eating near regular times, sleeping okay, smoking too much pot (my little secret) and listening to the rain fall. I had a good cry today. It feels like a bruise in my chest. So I'm working with this sensation to understand it and to see its impermanence. Practicing fluid simple yoga to move the sensations through. I haven't been able to do much pranayama as my diaphragm is locked up but I have been trying to get it to relax for days. It will, it just takes time...
So for tomorrow's practice at 10am please join us here we are going to be working on Grounding and Centring practices when life knocks you off balance or out of whack. Wonderful practices to help you bring yourself into a balanced state, using somatic releasing and PolyVagal Theory. We practice slow mindful yoga to bring about inner peace and love. So enjoyable to practice and right now you might need it as well!
❤️🙏