Imagine if you will, you have two flowers, one in the palm of each hand. Both equally fresh, blossoming and fragrant. Both quite natural and lovely to enjoy.
Imagine you begin to close your fingers over the first flower, until you feel the petals compress slightly. We squeeze, lightly at first, when we want something to happen in a certain way. We put a little pressure on a situation to make it turn out the way we think it should, the way we need it to. In Buddhism this is called clinging, attachment or grasping.
Perhaps we're trying to convince a family member who smokes, drinks or eats too much to be more responsible for their health, maybe it's a work colleague who is always 15 minutes late, a friend who takes you for granted, or a driver in traffic who is being inconsiderate.
Pressing a little tighter on the flower now, as we do when a something is happening just beyond our control. But we tell ourselves it's still within our control to change things, we can still 'make things better'. Even if it's with the best of intentions, even if it is trying to control things to help someone else, we squeeze our own flower a little tighter and perhaps wonder why we feel heavier with the load.
Something has to change, we tell ourselves, this isn't right. We beep at the driver in the traffic to wake them up. We tell our relative they will get a heart attack if they smoke like that, we gossip about our friend who takes us for granted, or we start taking extra time on our lunch break to make up for our work colleague who 'owes us'. (All of these things I have done by the way.)
Tenzin Palmo says, "The more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose.' We squeeze the flower when we are clinging to it, holding tightly to our own desires we damage it by trying to change the way things are. In trying to change something we have also damaged ourselves by applying mental or emotional pressure and then we lose our mental balance, our openness, and our lightness of being. Is there any way to preserve my peace and openness while acknowledging that life is not how I would choose it to be?
Maybe what's squeezing us is our desire to change the corruption or politics of the day, the lack of environmental action to save the planet. Maybe it's the blatant and casual racism against refugees, maybe it's the way the corporations and financial institutions have capitalised upon the natural human desires to have home, spend time with our loved ones, and care for our children.
Maybe it's more personal, a mental illness that becomes more intrusive, the loss of a job when we need the wages, maybe we find out our partner has betrayed our trust, or the sudden death of a loved one. We crush the flower when we revolt against our perceived injustices of life, or succumb to the weighty depression of it. But the Buddha talked about a third way, a middle path, the way of non-grasping.
The Buddha said that, 'clinging is dependant upon craving.' We crave something that is not there and we cling to our dream of changing it. This craving and clinging create enormous suffering for us, emotional heaviness and in my experience poor mental health.
Looking at the other flower sitting in an open palm not crushed by the weight of craving, unmet expectations, or bruised by the fear of suffering. This flower is still in its pristine state, still fragrant and blossoming and open. Still accepting of life as it comes moment by moment, letting the winds of change flow past the fingers that are holding it. This is when we are brave, and accepting, and staying out of the need to have things change.
When I want something to change I put pressure on myself, on those I care about and people who care about me which creates anxiety. Or if I feel I cannot change an unwanted thing then I become despondent, withdrawn and depressed. However I must find away to enjoy my life, even though injustices exist. I must find a middle path, to be happy while not forgetting that there are unacceptable things in the world and damaging my own life force with clinging and craving such as anger, manipulation, frustration, depression and sadness won't work. I find the image of the two flowers helps. I hope it helps you too...Namaste'.
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